Navigating Extended Family Dynamics

Extended family relationships can be some of the sweetest relationships in our children’s lives. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and other relatives can bring a sense of belonging, tradition, and support that is hard to replace. But when you are raising a Deaf or Hard of Hearing child, those relationships can also become complicated.

Family members may not understand why access to language matters so much. They may feel intimidated by ASL, unsure of what is expected of them, or overwhelmed by how much they think they need to learn. Parents can find themselves carrying the weight of advocating for their child while also trying to preserve relationships with people they love.

During our October Parent Support Zoom, Brittany led a conversation about navigating those dynamics with both wisdom and grace. Rather than trying to find one answer that works for every family, she encouraged parents to return to two questions again and again:

Start With What Is Actually Yours to Carry

When family relationships are emotional, it is easy to begin carrying responsibilities that were never ours in the first place. Brittany reminded parents that we cannot know another person’s heart or motivation. We are not responsible for producing conviction in someone else, becoming an on-demand personal ASL teacher, or solving every communication problem that comes up.

We are also not called to do any of this perfectly.

Instead, parents have been entrusted with the important work of protecting, teaching, encouraging, and extending grace to their children. Knowing what belongs to us, and what does not, can take some of the pressure off as we navigate difficult family relationships.

That distinction also gives us room to recognize that God may be doing something larger than what we can see. Our Deaf children do not only impact our own lives. Their lives can change the perspectives, understanding, and hearts of the people around them too.

Be Clear About Expectations

Before asking extended family members to change something, it can help to identify what we are actually hoping for. Is the goal fluency in ASL? A willingness to learn? Respect for the family’s communication choices? More accessible family gatherings? A deeper relationship with the child? Those are different goals, and they may require different conversations.

Brittany encouraged parents to make room for open-ended conversations instead of assuming everyone has the same expectations.

“What do you think about this relationship?”

“What do you need to help you get there?”

“What do you think my role should be as the parent?”

“It would mean a lot to me if…”

Questions like these can create space for honest conversation. Parents can share clearly what would be meaningful to them without taking responsibility for another person’s response.

Make ASL Feel Possible

For relatives who want to learn ASL, the idea of learning an entire language can feel overwhelming. One practical approach is to make the next step small and useful. Share an online resource. Invite someone to an ASL class or Deaf event. Teach signs connected to a favorite game, activity, show, or routine. Set up a video call to practice something recently learned.

The goal does not have to be instant fluency. There does, however, need to be personal investment in the relationship, and that investment may look different from one person to another.

Build Access Into Family Routines

Accessibility can become more natural when it is connected to things a family already does together. Instead of trying to change every moment of every gathering, choose a routine and make it accessible.

Maybe one game at a family gathering is voice-off. Maybe everyone signs during a familiar activity, watches ASL content together, or learns the vocabulary needed for a favorite family tradition. Small, repeatable moments give relatives a place to practice while also helping a Deaf child experience family life without constantly being the person expected to adapt.

These moments do not have to create deep conversation every time. Sometimes the first goal is simply creating a family culture where visual communication is normal and everyone has a way to participate.

Correct With the Goal in Mind

When someone is learning, mistakes will happen. Before correcting a sign, Brittany encouraged parents to return to the same question:

If someone is nervous and finally trying to sign, encouragement may matter more in that moment than immediate correction. There may be another opportunity later to say how meaningful their effort is and gently show the sign another way. In other situations, correcting something right away may make sense. The point is not to ignore accuracy, but to respond intentionally instead of automatically.

Prepare for the Hard Conversations

Some family dynamics require more than a new game or an ASL resource. There may be hurtful comments, resistance, misunderstandings, or conversations that parents have been avoiding because they know they will be difficult.

Before entering those conversations, it can be helpful to talk through the situation with a trusted friend who can offer another perspective. Brittany also encouraged parents to ask more questions than they give answers. A relative may be processing grief, fear, or confusion in a way that comes across as resistance. Understanding that possibility does not excuse hurtful behavior, but it can change how we approach the conversation.

Resources can help too. An article, video, book, or guide can sometimes explain an experience without requiring a parent to carry the entire emotional weight of explaining it themselves.

“Would you read this and tell me what you think?”

A simple question like this can open a door to a conversation that might otherwise feel impossible.

Stay Rooted in Grace

Extended family relationships can be messy. They can also be painful. Brittany encouraged parents to choose a phrase, Scripture, or simple reminder that brings them back to what they know God is calling them to do when emotions are high.

It might be a reminder that the other person is not the enemy. It might be a list of the people who have shown up, learned, listened, and supported your family. It might simply be a prayer asking God for the strength to forgive when forgiveness feels beyond your own capacity.

“From whom every family in heaven and on earth is named.”

Ephesians 3:15

That does not mean every family relationship will be easy. It does mean we can bring even the complicated ones back to Him.

We can ask:

And then we can trust Him with the parts that were never ours to carry.